Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.