8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
You Might Also Like
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
asking santa clause for nudes
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Boom, boom, ching!
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
One of the best
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope