“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
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2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
incredible book dedication
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.