People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
oh my gosh!!
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.