There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother