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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here