Ah yes. The three genders
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Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards