DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Cha-ching is my safe word
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*