ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
You Might Also Like
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.