[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Favourite diary entry ever
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.