Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
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I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
#parenting
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
🤣
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there