My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.