alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.