[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
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“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My boss called in sick of me
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film