Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
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I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
True.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.