Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek