Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
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Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
starting a garage orchestra
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Battery falling down a hole