[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
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I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
concern
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.