Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
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Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls