[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.