According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
You Might Also Like
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit