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Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
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no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now