*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
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I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
🙋♀️
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.