Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Customer is always right
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Uh oh…
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud