Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
You Might Also Like
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks