I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!