Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
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Oh hi lol
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.