No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
You Might Also Like
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Breakfast for Stoners:
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow