Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
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It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
This took me a second..
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.