Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Doggies just call it style.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.