It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
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*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to