“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
You Might Also Like
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I occasionally drink every single night.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.