Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
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the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…