When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours