[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
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Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
ok this is my dumbest yet
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.