I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
You Might Also Like
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.