KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
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Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.