if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
decorating my apartment
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise