The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car