i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
You Might Also Like
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully