If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.