“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.