You Might Also Like
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.