I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
When someone says you are so lazy
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great