“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
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ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet