I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
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I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.