The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
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It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
But I really needed water water water
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.