“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
There is wisdom there.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
<—- homeless romantic
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Meow
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.