[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”