The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews